They Glorifed Mary, We Glorifed Rice

I've been cleaning up my favorites bookmarks and came across a bunch of "You Might Be A .... IF..." lists. They're really too funny. The best were from the Lutheran, Presbyterian, and Dutch Reformed lists. The sad thing is that I relate to most of these.

You might Be Dutch Reformed IF...

you get excited at the thought of salted licorice

you don't think twice when someone mentions their Oma

you insist on singing the Dutch words to Ere Zig Gott

you get a sun burn when you read under a lamp.

you consider 30°F in the winter is warm.

you take off your shoes before entering the house

your last name begins with "Van"

you decided to form a study committee to add items to this list.

your study committee submitted a majority and minority report.

you develop a craving for ham buns.

you hear "tulip" and think "total depravity, unconditional election,..."

you visit another church and the second question you're asked is, "Are you related to...."

you can't think of any use for peppermints outside of church.

you've heard of a guy named Dooyeweerd.

you think kids who go to public school are strange.

a church picnic isn't the place to find Ms. or Mr. Right -- because everyone's related.

you get agitated and start looking at your watch when the minister says, "And my 4th point is...."



You Might Be a Lutheran IF...

you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is

during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it

rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.

you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.

you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.

you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.

your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.

in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.

you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.

you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.

you make change in the offering plate for a ten.

you think butter is a spice.

you know what a "dead spread" is

you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.

you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.

you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.



You Might Be Presbyterian IF...

You can spell supralapsrian , suprlapsarian, suralapsrian, supralapsarian.

You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC(USA), PC(U.S.A.), PCUSA(NS), PCUSA(OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,

You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.


They aren't "catholics," or even "Roman Catholics." They're "Romanists," or "Papists."

When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says . . . " or "the catechism says . . . "

When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujuah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm, . . . that was a good point."

Your children's names all begin with "covenant." In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children. Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children. Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.