The Church Caste System - an exerpt from the great American novel

The room was rapidly filling with young men and women between the ages of 18 and 30- but not 17 and definitely not 31. Another commonly accepted rule among churches: never never never allow people of varying generations, marital status, or other societal distinctives occupy the same church group. The singles, marrieds, highschoolers, grade-schoolers, and seniors can’t possibly be expected to learn anything from each other, much less find anything to talk about.

At birth, a young parishioner is first introduced to the Nursery Set… Infants and THEN toddlers. Never both. Eventually if one applies oneself diligently, one attains acceptance into the Kindergarten Sunday School, where for a year or two one may taste the delights of flannel-grams and saltines after the morning worship service. Having successfully embarrassed oneself at the Church Christmas program, one graduates to the Grade-School set, and partakes in gender specific clubs. The little girls learn to crochet and craft their way to godliness and purity, while the young gentlemen camp, fish, and set off bottle rockets… to what purpose, heaven only knows.

Eventually one finds oneself in the hallowed grounds of catechetical instruction. Everyone meets once a week to study the creeds and confessions of the church, under the tutelage of some unlucky elder, and it is at about this time that one becomes a full fledged member of the highschoolers group. Here, the sexes are allowed to meet at well chaperoned service projects, road rallies, sock hops, ski-trips, and the mother of them all, THE YEARLY CONVENTION.

After four years of learning the catechism, discussing sexual purity, “Just saying NO” to drugs, alcohol and all the other artifices and tools of the Devil, one is encouraged to publicly profess their faith in a small ceremony that consists of standing before the congregation Sunday Morning and answering in the positive to the minister’s questions. The member vows that the Bible and Confessions are true, and promises to be a loyal member of Christ’s church on earth, and agrees to submit to the discipline of elders and pastor.

At this point, one is consigned to the ignomy of The Singles Group. These members are generally left to shift for themselves, languishing unremembered in drafty basements and outbuildings. Even the chaperones desert at this point. It is the goal of nearly every young single person to attain the status of Young Marrieds, where the milk and honey are said to flow freely. However, the journey is not yet finished; for when parenthood is attained there are several groups to progress through. The New Parents, Your Grade Schooler and You, Parents with Teens, and Empty Nesters. Once the grandchildren start rolling in, one is ready for the Seniors.

The Seniors take “Mystery Trips” to Branson, Missouri to see The Lawrence Welk Revue, venture out on color tours in the fall, and attend church dramas at any time. They also arrange the occasional sortie to local glee club singers, and tour area nursing homes. The only way out of this group is, as some of the more humorous members say, ‘in a pine box.’ It’s the pinnacle of the Church Caste System.